Jokes

Mike walks into Dean's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery.
"What the hell are you doing?!" says Mike.
Dean replies "Well, me and Mary haven't been getting on lately, so the therapist recommended that I should do something sexy to a tractor."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank do you think:

A) You need more time together

B) She's a bit of a prude or

C) She should sit somewhere else on the bus.

Well since it's Friday 13th, I'll see if I can't bring a smile to your face.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a young nun.He sits down next to her and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"No" she replies, "i,m married to God"
She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and say,s " i can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?" said the hippie.

"Yeah" said the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemerery claiming to be God.

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God" he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "Have Sex With Me"
The nun aggres without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

"God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha Ha" he cries "I,m the hippie!"

"Ha Ha." cries the nun, "I,m the bus driver!!!

What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?

Mandy Lifeboats!

My wife actually swallowed my cum this morning.....
She had to really, because i'd wanked into her porridge.

A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor says "What the hell happened to you???"

The man replies "Well, i was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them, and while i was looking around i noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end"

"I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, i yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that"

Farting in a crowded elevator is just wrong on so many levels.


WIFE: You only ever want sex when you're drunk

HUSBAND: Not true, sometimes i want a kebab


Q : What do you call a ginger prostitute?

A : Orange pay as you go...

A husband is talking to his wife. "I'm feeling very depressed" he tells her - "Sometimes I think I'm nothing but a half wit moron."
The wife replies: "Don't worry, darling. Lots of people feel like that. In fact most of the people we know think you're a half wit moron."

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to wife "Look at that, 12 stone of pure dynamite".



Wife replies "Fuckin shame about the 2 inch fuse.!'