Jokes

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Priest, Rabbi, Minister, a guy with a newt on his head, a horse and a dog with its leg in a sling all walk into a bar and the barman says...

IS THIS A JOKE OR SOMETHING?

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

As a bagpiper, i played many gigs. Recently i was asked by a funeral director to play at the graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the Kentucky back woods. I got lost, and being a typical man, i didnt stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so i started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like i have never played before for this homeless man. And as i played "Amasing Grace" the workers began to weep, they wept, i wept, we all wept together. When we finished i packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As i opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothing like that before and ive been putting in septic tanks for twenty years"

My wife's body is a perfect shape.
A big fucking circle.

CHILD PHOTOGRAPHY.

If you misread that, your a peadophile.

I want to make a complaint about sexual harassment at work.

I'm not getting enough of it.

A drunk man goes into a pub through the front door, and says to the barman, "I will have a pint mate"
and the barman says "I think you have had enough to drink, so no I cannot serve you" and the drunk man says "oh fuck you then"and goes back out of the pub.Later the drunk man goes into the pub through the side door and says to the barman "I will have a pint mate" and the barman says "I have told you once before,no, you cannot now go home, please" and the drunk man says "Fucking hell,how many bars, do you serve at!"
Hope U enjoyed the joke
Applee87

I just thought of a great name for my new brothel that i've opened up. I couldn't have it though, apparently "Gash4Gold" was already taken?

I seen the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today.
I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when i seen something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door.
As i leaned over to see it closer it read ...."You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle"

A wealthy man is driving around in his Rolls Royce when he sees a tramp hanging around at the side of the road. The Rolls pulls up and the rich man says "would you like a lift somewhere? Come on, get in, have a ride, live the highlife for a change." So the tramp gets in the back and is amazed at all the posh interior.

Then he notices some buttons, and asks "what does this button do?" The rich man says "Press that and the mini-bar comes out".

Looking around, he finds another button and asks "and what does this one do?" The rich man says "thats the TV, press the button and the television comes down."

Impressed, the tramp asks if he can sit in the front. So they pull over and the tramp gets into the passenger seat. As he's sitting down, his leg catches the glove box and it opens. A golf tee falls out. The tramp picks it up and says "and what's this for?"

The rich man replies "thats for putting your balls on when you're driving off". The tramp exclaims "crikey... they think of everything in cars these days don't they..!"

Apparently Babestation is a porn channel that gives you free access to looking, but you have to pay to listen.
Paying to listen to a woman talk? Not the best marketing scheme.