Jokes

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

A man calls downstairs to his wife " Darling can you come upstairs please, so you can see my clock"

The wife pulls a disgusted look and ignores him

"Darling can you come upstairs and see my CLOCK" the man cries out again.

The woman, realising she has misheard him, heads up the stairs only to be greeted
by her husband standing stark bollock naked sporting a massive erection!

"Oh for fuck sake Ernie!" exclaimed the wife.."Thats not a clock"

to which the husband replied " Well if you put two hands and a face on it, it is!"

How do you turn on your washing machine,dishwasher and cooker all in one go?Rub her clit.

The missus just informed me that she's leaving because she reckons I'm a compulsive liar.Who cares? she will really miss my huge cock.

I went fly fishing once-I caught a 7lb bluebottle.

A pissed bloke in a nightclub staggers up to a sexy blonde and slurs"Duck my sick"The blonde sighs and says"Don't you mean suck my dick?"The bloke then projectile vomits all over her and says" Nope"

what's theo walcott and mr t got in common?

both aint getting on no fucking plane!!!

Why are married woman heavier than single woman?Single woman come home,see whats in the fridge and go to bed.Married woman come home,see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

A priest is driving and sees a dead pig on the road.He rings the police and a smart arse sergeant answers the phone.He tells him about the pig on the road and the sergeant says"Did you give him the last rites,father?"The priest replies,"No,I decided i'd call his next of kin first".

A man walks into a pet shop. He says to the shopkeeper "I'd like to buy a wasp please." "We don't sell wasps here" says the shopkeeper. "Thats funny" says the man, "you've got one in your window."

Stolen from the sickapedia iphone app as you might guess these jokes can be quite harsh.

Paedophiles are fukin' immature arseholes!


New Miley Cyrus DVD : £15
Tub of Vaseline : £3
XL box of Tissues : £2
The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay : Priceless!


My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex......Just this morning she asked "Is that the best you can do?"


There are many more but i think that's enough for now.

duran duran have re-released one of their songs for the world cup.....his name is rio and he watches from the stand!!!!!