Jokes

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so big I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

A bloke leaves his car in a car park one day,and when he comes back to it,the bumper and rear lights are all smashed up.then he finds a note under the wiper,which reads"i just accidently reversed into your car.quite a few peple saw me do it,they think im leaving my name and number,well,im not".

an autopsy on gary coleman has revealed that he died of a stroke.

not just any stroke but a different stroke!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

(28-05-2010 20:48 )newark red Wrote:  an autopsy on gary coleman has revealed that he died of a stroke.

not just any stroke but a different stroke!

too soon

What's nine inches long and dangles in front of an arsehole?
David Cameron's tie.

Why did the crab get arrested?
he was always pinching things

I played a game of hide and seek with the missus last night,she hid and i f**ked off to the pub to seek a pint.

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

After having sex with a really loose girl,there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your knob,Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.