Jokes

Newsflash Birmingham City Fans!!! Police are attempting to locate a man who has broken into the St Andrews Trophy room and escaped with the whole contents - please be on the lookout for a man with a big roll of carpet under his arm.....

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Today, at a special mass held at Twickenham rugby stadium, Billy Graham claimed to have converted 240 disbelievers. Another 42 bounced back off the goalposts.


A drunken man walks into a pub, and points to all of the people sat on one side and says "You lot are a shower of bastards" He then points to the people sat on the other side and says "And you lot are a shower of c**ts" An Irish bloke stands up and says "Excuse me, but i'm not a bastard" The drunk replies "Well get over there with the c**ts"

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."


This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

Whoever said women can multi-task has never watched them approach a roundabout!

My mate called me a retard earlier.

I almost choked on my window.

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits."
Then she said, "Don't stare at whose tits?"

My wife said to me, "you need to start doing things for yourself, if I suddenly died today, how would you cope tomorrow?"

I said, "not very well, I'd be very hungover".

How do you annoy Heather Mills?

Nick Clegg.