Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

Princess Diana never became a queen of England

Interviewer: Is that really your hair?
Elton John: Yes of course, I've got the receipt.


Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring 'Candle in the Wind?
They decided not to call it 'Live in Paris'.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A plane full of spittle crashes into the ocean. There were no salivas.

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

My wife has kicked me out of bed for masturbating.

She said it was getting on her tits.

So I was down my local supermarket, when I saw a couple having sex, wrapped in a barcode. I said "are you two an item?"

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.As she boarded the bus ,she whispered to the driver,"I have a dead pussy" the driver points to the woman in the seat behind him and says"Sit with my wife,you have a lot in common".

A woman walks into a hardware store,picks up some hinges she was looking for and heads to the till to pay for them.the clerk asks her"need a screw for those hinges?"she repliea "no,but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back.