Jokes

I can sort of half sympathise with gay men.

I've just had a huge shit and it felt great coming out.

Kama Sutra position #52 - The Pirate.

Start by taking your wife from behind, doggy style. Just before you ejaculate withdraw, and spit on your wife's back. As she turns round fire your loaded cannon onto her face.

Called the pirate because as she holds one hand over her eye, she will shout 'AARRRGH!'

Kama Sutra position #53 - Rodeo

Take your wife from behind, doggy style, and whisper into her ear 'You aren't as tight as your sister', and see how long you can hold on!

Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Fucking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cunts nicked all the fucking chocolate.

Liverpool FC Christmas Dinner Party- Menu is as follows...

Starter- Sour Grapes.
Main Course-Plaice (possibly 5th or 6th)
Pudding Selection- Pennant, Ngog, Lucas, Dossena, or Degen.

Drinks will be available, but there will be no doubles, trebles, and NO Carling (Cup)

There will also be a selection of wines served by some fat Spanish bloke with a dodgy beard.

Please note that dress code is strictly late 80`s to celebrate our last League Title.

All drinks will be served in plastic glasses as cups are not on the agenda AGAIN this season.

For entertainment on the night, Rafa will be doing his party trick of making £200m disappear into thin air, with absolutely "fuck-all" to show for it

Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Rafa go to heaven.

The three of them are sent to the pearly gates of heaven where they have to give a 5 minute talk on why St Peter should support their club.

Arsene Wenger starts off first and in the end St Peter praises him and says, "By the way, did you remember that time when Eduardo so blatantly and obviously dived in that game?"

Wenger replies, "I cannot say. Maybe, possibly, I don't know but I didn't see it." This pisses St Peter of a bit, so he sends Arsene back to earth.

Rafa has his turn, sits down and places a big sealed portfolio with files inside it. He gives St Peter a 5 minute talk on why Liverpool FC is the best club in the world and why he should support them. St Peter interrupts him at 4:50 seconds and asks, "But how can you be so sure Liverpool FC are the best club of the three to support?

Rafa simply says, "St Peter, I'm simply stating the facts." St Peter doesn't like the tone of Rafa's voice, so sends him back to earth too.

St Peter looks towards Alex Ferguson, who remarks, "5 minutes? Is that all you're giving me? This is a fucking disgrace..."

Liverpool FC will be taken over on Monday by South African businessman Dave King and Glasgow restauranteur Satti Singh. They will then be known as the Singh King ship.


I think that 1 was made by Albert Riera

What have Liverpool FC and Israel got in common?

No matter how hard they try to convince themselves and others, they are not really in Europe.


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Liverpool FC has just signed two new strikers, bert and ernie.... so they can play with the rest of the muppets.

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious...
what does Hell look like?" So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator." The man said, "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless, frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question." "Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?" Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, eh? I guess Liverpool FC finally won the Premiership!!"

The main reason stalkers support Liverpool FC.

You'll never walk alone.