Jokes

I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tyre he fitted for me today.

He said, "Just give me a score mate".

So I replied, "Man Utd won 3-0 at the weekend". And drove off.

A bloke finds a condom in his 15 year old sons coat and asks him,"whats this?" The son replies"I use it to eat prickly pears"his dad snaps back"Well that a f**king stupid answer" "well says the lad,its a f**king stupid question"

My wifes just left me because she say's i love football more than her......we've been together 15 seasons.

Little boy tells his dad,"ive got a really big part in the school play,i play a man who's been married for 25 years".his dad replies"thats nice son,maybe you'll get a speaking part next time"

What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

A bacon, a toast and an egg all walk into a bar together.
Everyone gives them dirty looks.
They ask the bartender "What's the problem here man?"
Bartender says "We don't serve breakfast here."

My wife wants sex in the back of the car. And she wants me to drive.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park and saw 2 people having sex on a park bench. The little girl ask "mommy what are they doing?" the mother hesitates a moment and then responds. "They are making cakes."
The next day they are at the zoo adn the little girl sees 2 monkeys having sex. again the little girl ask "mommy what are they doing?" the mother replies again "they are making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "mommy, you and daddy were making cakes in the living room last night." Shocked, the mother asks, "how do you know?"
She replies "because i licked the icing off the sofa"

I'm sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife how beautiful she looks and keep a straight face at the same time quite well.