Jokes

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No'.

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes', whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.



Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter '.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'











Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME'.

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"

His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my pot."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes.

" When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.

Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Did u hear about the farmer that got married last week?
...A heard there was a big Turnip at the wedding

Whats brown and sticky?


A stick.

(Apologies if this has already been told, but i cant be bothered going through 20 pages checking.)


How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb ?
...Just Juan.