Jokes

a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except carlsberg . The bartender says, “What’s wrong with carlsberg, don’t you like it?” The man says, “I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of carlsberg and blew chunks.” The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”. “You don’t understand” said the man, “Chunks is my dog.”

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! “Oh my god its the pope ” they all say at once “the midget says to the guys ‘That’s it I’m going to ask him.” So he walks up to the Pope and asks “Sir, are there midget nuns in America?”, “No, no, no.” says the Pope “Are there midget nuns in the entire world?” “No, no, no.” says the Pope “Are there even such things as midget nuns?” “No, no, no.” says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, “Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin…”

What's the difference between a pregnant girl and a light bulb? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You can unscrew a light bulb!

all these snowflakes are like the polish....

millions of them will settle overnight and prevent thousands of britons going to work tomorrow!

whats the definition of a mixed feeling?
seeing your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
tits dont have eyes

a young man desperate for water while making his way through a desert sees something in the distance,when he gets there he find an old man with a stall selling ties,the young man says"do you have water?" to which the old man says"no,just ties $100 a tie.the young man shouts "idiot,i want water not one of your over priced ties"the old man says"it does not matter that you wont buy a tie off me,i,ll help you anyway,if you continue to the east for 10 miles you will find a restaurant with all the water you want,several hours later the young man staggers back and says"give me one of those f**king ties your stupid brother wont let me in without one"

Your momma's like a vaccum cleaner ... She sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

MAN: There's a party tonight!
WOMAN: Where?
MAN: In your mouth and im cummin!

A women walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked 'Do you have Viagra?', 'Yes' he answered. She asked 'Does it work?'. 'Yes' he answered. 'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked. 'I can if i take two' he answered.