Jokes

Jon said: “My mother-in-law is an angel.”

“You’re a lucky fella,” Andy replied, “mine’s still alive!”

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussauds Chamber of Horrors.
The attendant said, “Keep her moving, sir, we’re stocktaking.”

A baby camel was born at the zoo last week and the poor thing had no hump...

So they named him Humphrey

I told my mother-in-law that I would dance on her grave when she died.

Just to spite me, she got buried at sea.

My Mother in law got pulled over.
Cop asked: "What's in the bottle?"
She says : "Water."
He says: "It looks like wine!"
She's: "Praise the lord, Jesus did it again!"

My family was on vacation in Florida when suddenly I heard someone scream that my mother in law fell into the alligator pool. Not thinking twice, I jumped in... to save the alligator.

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

Getting my mother in law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa.

“The Great Family Holiday-Off”

It started with Jules flopping onto the café bench like he’d just escaped a war zone.
Jules: “My family just took me to a place called ‘Adventure Bog.’ It’s a swamp. A literal swamp. With leeches. My dad said it was ‘rustic character-building.’ I said it was ‘parasite roulette.’”
Tasha: snorts her iced latte. “Please. My family once booked a ‘cultural retreat’ that turned out to be a silent meditation camp in a converted goat barn. I had to mime asking for toilet paper.”
They stared at each other, eyes wide, and then the challenge began.
Jules: “Did your mum make you wear matching ponchos? Mine did. Fluorescent orange. We looked like traffic cones with anxiety.”
Tasha: “Did your uncle try to cook roadkill ‘for the experience’? Mine did. It was a hedgehog. He called it ‘forest tapas.’”
Jules: “Did your grandma bring a karaoke machine to a campsite with no electricity?”
Tasha: “Did your little cousin bring a tarantula in his suitcase and call it ‘emotional support Trevor’?”
By now, the café staff were pretending not to listen while clearly taking notes for a sitcom.
Jules: “Final boss level: my family booked a haunted lighthouse for ‘spooky vibes.’ We got locked in the basement by a ghost tour group who thought we were part of the attraction.”
Tasha: “Okay, you win. But only because my family’s worst trip was cancelled when my dad accidentally booked flights to the wrong continent. We were supposed to go to Canada. We ended up in Cambodia. In December.”
They clinked their drinks like war veterans.
Jules: “Next year, we'll go somewhere together. No swamps. No goats. No ghosts.”
Tasha: “Deal. But I’m still bringing emotional support, Trevor.”

(Sidenote - Jules & Tasha's nightmare is not over...yet. Part 2 of their funny journey coming real soon indeed...)

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

To prove that he was framed.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on.

But then it clicked.

My wife told me I have to stop acting like a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.