Jokes

The School Trip to the Petting Zoo

Mr. Thompson took Year 7 on a trip to the local petting zoo. His instructions were clear:
“No running, no screaming, and absolutely no feeding the animals your lunch.”
But Year 7 had the energy of a thousand espresso shots.
Within 10 minutes:
- Billy tried to ride a goat like a horse.
- Priya fed her cheese sandwich to a sheep, which then chased her for the pickle.
- And Jordan—oh Jordan—decided to challenge a llama to a staring contest.
The llama won.
Then spat directly into Jordan’s mouth.
Jordan screamed.
The llama screamed.
Mr. Thompson screamed louder.
They evacuated the petting zoo.
The llama now has a restraining order.
Back at school, the headteacher asked Mr. Thompson how it went.
He replied:
“Well, no one died. But I think the llama needs therapy.”

Just been to Tesco's with the wife and totally out of the blue she said "What a lazy bastard you are"

I almost fell out of the trolley!!!

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag.

Good thing it changed, since “pound me too” would’ve been sending the wrong message.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge £1,200 for it.

The Four Couples Holiday That Went Off the Rails - part 1

Four couples booked a luxury villa in Spain for a group getaway.
They imagined sunsets, sangria, and serenity.
What they got was:
- Couple 1: Forgot their passports. Spent the first two days in airport purgatory, living off vending machine peanuts and passive-aggressive texts.
- Couple 2: Had a blazing row over who packed the wrong adapter. Turns out neither did. The villa had no electricity. It was listed as “eco-retreat.” Translation: a shed with curtains.
- Couple 3: Tried to salvage the trip with a romantic hike. Got lost. Called for help. The Spanish rescue team found them arguing over whether moss grows on the north side.
- Couple 4: Stayed behind to relax in the “hot tub.” It was actually a kiddie pool filled with lukewarm hose water and one suspicious frog.
By Day 3:
- The fridge broke.
- The toilet exploded (don’t ask).
- And someone accidentally booked a flamenco class that turned out to be flamingo yoga. Yes, with actual flamingos. One of them bit Dave.
They all flew home early, silent and sunburnt.
The group WhatsApp is now just memes and receipts.

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had £1,999.

Then the doctor said, “No wonder you’re not feeling two grand!”