Jokes

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on a second coat.

I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

It’s my special talent!

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate

The joint Devon & Cornwall 1960's/70's revival music festival has been cancelled due to a fierce disagreement between the organisers. They couldn't decide whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.

My cabinet installer was arrested.
He was charged with counter fitting.

If you're worried that internet enabled devices around the home are spying on you, remember that your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt for years...

The instructions on my stick deodorant said "Remove cap & push up bottom". I can't walk too far, but when i fart the room smells lovely....

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running but can’t remember where.

How do you know when your redhead girlfriend has forgiven you?

She stops doing your laundry in the toilet bowl...