Jokes

santa has a bad night one xmas eve,so he goes home to relax.just as he sits down,theres a knock on the door.its rudolph,who says the reindeer are sick of santa not upgrading to the new ,lighter sleigh,and they,re walking out.santa vows that the next person he see,s will get it. a minute later,theres another knock at the door.santa flings the door open and there stands an angel.whos been searching for the perfect tree for santa all day.she asks"santa,i was wondering where you,d like me to stick this tree?" and so the custom began.......

why is xmas like a day at the office?
you do all the work and the fat bloke in the suit gets all the credit

not a joke but kinda funny anyways!!!

In prison, I dropped the soap in the shower. I was so scared about all the stories, I was shitting myself.

Put them right off.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt..

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

You just know when a relationship is about to end.

My girlfriend rang me at work this morning and asked how to change a lightbulb in the bathroom.

"It's very simple", I said, "First fill the bath with water....."

some people say they hear voices in their heads,as opposed to where,exactly?

you know that look that woman give when they really want sex?no,me neither

ive got three kids ten eight and five....weird names i know.

try saying"whale oil beef hooked"without sounding like an irishman swearing

i was looking for a film to watch the other night and the guy in the dvd store said would you like to rent batman forever?i said"no,just one night"


my girlfriends carrying our first child...he,s eight the lazy fucker

i dont get citizens arrest,does that mean if a copper tries to arrest you.you can arrest him back?

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."