Jokes

how long can you have an open relationship with your girlfriend?at least until she finds out.

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

a bloke sneaks away from his wife and goes into town to find a woman.he finds one and asks"how much for sex?"
"£100" she says.the bloke asks"how about a blow job?" she replies "£50".the desperate chap continues."a hand job?" she says "£25".then she asks"how much have you got?"the bloke says"a tenner"the pro says"sorry,you wont get much for that" he sighs and wanders off,only to meet his wife coming the other way."there you are"says the wife"c,mon lets go home".as the pair walk down the street the hooker shouts"see,i said you wouldnt get much for a tenner"

What do you call a man with no shins???? To-ny!!
Why is Santa such a happy fat & jolly bastard?...... cause he knows where ALL the naughty girls live!!

a womans husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,yet she stayed by his bedside every day.one day,when he came to,he motioned for her to come nearer.eyes full of tears,he whispered"you have been with me through allthe bad times.when i got fired,you were there to support me,when i got shot,you were right by my side.when we lost the house,you stayed right here.when my health started failing,you were still by my side.you know what?"what dear" she asks smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.he says"i think you,re bad luck"

you never see the seedy side of flood damage,wouldnt it be great to hear a bloke say"i lost all my porn,the water was too fast,it came into my house and before i knew it my copy of schindlers fist was gone and my vintage dvd of"fear and loathing in my anus" was totally ruined"

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks
. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"


"i hate john wayne and the fact that i could be wiping my shitty arse on the racist sexist bastard would feel good!":D

a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says"you look terrible" the pirate asks"what do you mean?,im ok".
"what about the leg?"says the barman "i got hit by a cannonball,but im fine"replies the pirate.the bartender goes on"what about that hook?,wheres your hand?"the pirate explains"i got into a swordfight,and my hand was cut off" the barman continues"and the eyepatch?"
"oh"says the pirate"a flock of birds flew over and one of them shit in my eye" the barman laughs"you can lose your eye from bird poo"
"well no" says the pirate"but it was my first day with the hook"

"may i take your christmas lunch order sir?"a waiter asks a customer."yes"says the customer"but first id like to know how you prepare your turkeys?"the waiter replies"nothing special sir,we just tell them straight that they are going to die and be eaten"

is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit?
i guess actually there is....maybe somebody without a dog

why is it that the winner of the miss universe contest is always from earth

the tories have said they want to make more prison ships,surely if you put prisoners on ships,you,re only going to create more pirates