Jokes

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions...

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots two houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbours?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine and after a few days, they enter again and the waitress asks: "The usual?" "No, being Friday night, I think I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appearedand offered me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I have to pay for anything, I can just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

I used to work at Tesco in the fabric softener aisle but I've just moved to wines and spirits.

I'm out of my comfort zone.

When I'm at home I get really paranoid, because Im sure my mum can hear me masturbating.

It's just her room is the only one with a computer.

"bless me father,for i have sinned.i have been with a loose girl".the priest asks"is that you,little joey pagano?"yoey replies"yes father it is"the priest continues"and who was the girl you was with?"
joey:"i cant tell you father"
priest:"well joey,im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me,was it tina minetti?"
joey:"i cannot say"
priest:was it teresa mazzarelli?"
joey:"i,ll never tell"
priest:was it nina capelli?"
joey:"im sorry but i cannot name her"
priest:"was it cathy piriano"?
joey:"my lips are sealed"
the priest sighs in frustration"you,ve sinned joey and now you have to atone.therefore you cannot be an alter boy for the next four months,now go away and behave your self"joey walks back to his pew,and his friend franco slides over and whispers"what did you get?"joey says"four months vacation and four good leads"

my parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday,i couldnt find the words to thank them

Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed?

He thought she was a little potty!

Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!

A man stops by his regular doctor with this strange discolouring of his genitals. The doctor was quite amazed. He had never seen such a shade of orange on a man's privates.
After a very thorough examination, the befuddled doctor finally confessed he had no ideas.
So he said to the man "I don't quite understand what is going on here." Then he asked, "so tell me what is it you do?"
The man said, "not much, really."
The doctor asked, "Do you work?"
The man replied, "no I have been laid off for months."
The doctor then said, "well, what is it that you do all day?"
The man replied "not much really, I sit around, watching porno's and eating cheesey wotsits all day..."