Jokes

I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"

Jokes about oil are all rather crude.
A clear need exists for them to be more refined in the future.

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.

I said maybe...

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation.

I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.