Jokes

Johnny's wife has banned him from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if he made any more, he's toast.
But his kids keep egging him on.

Why did the surgeon not like the movie?

It was the uncut version.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”

The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”

The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

"STRAP ON" spelt backwards is "NO PARTS"... How ironic is that? haha

Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.

How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?

You slowly get over it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

Why does a husband lead a dog's life?

He comes in with muddy feet, gets comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed.