Jokes

What can you call the security guards of the Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

Why is it always warmer after a soccer game?

All the fans have left.

What can you always count on?

Your fingers.

The inventor of the funnel has sadly died.
Tributes are pouring in.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

I got fired from the keyboard factory today.
My boss said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.
That's when I completely lost CTRL