Jokes

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said: “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said: “£200 and it’s yours.”

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

If 666 is all evil.

Then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said that's the last thing I need.

At the job interview, they asked me if I could type quickly.

I said yes, and many other words too.

I love my electric blanket.

Never going back to my acoustic one.