Jokes

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't
get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel
Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables.

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?'

'1215', answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'

Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Iris, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'

Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'

Here is a tip for a happy marriage.

Never ask the missus what's for dinner,

When she is moving the lawn.

Someone stole 20 crates of red bull from the local supermarket.

I don't know how they sleep at night,

The Lord told John come forth and receive eternal life.

But John come fith and won a toaster.

Scientists are studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

They’ve left no tern unstoned.