Jokes

a frustrated housewife decides to jazz up her sex life after 20 years of mariage.she buys a pair of crotchless knickers,applies a lot of make-up and greets her husband at the door in her sexy new lingerie.slowly spreading her legs open,she says in her most seductive come-to-bed voice"honey,would you like some of this?"the husband looks between his aging wifes legs and then up at her doting eyes and replies."hell no!look what its done to your underwear?"

My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange i thought, because i'm not sure how he managed to turn on my laptop

a door to door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new town.a lady answers the door and before she has a chance to speak,he runs inside and dumps dog shit all over her carpet.he says"lady,if this vacuum cleaner doesnt do wonders clearing that up,i,ll eat every chunkof it" she turns to him and shouts"i,guess you,ll be wanting some ketchup then?" he replies" no, honestly this hoovers great" she says"it,ll have to be fucking brilliant cuz ive only just moved in and theres no electricity yet"

a boy comes home from school late and is collared by his dad,who asks where he,s been.the boy replies"ive been revising with jessica"then the son picks up a snack fromthe kitchen and says"these fishcakes are lovely"to which dad replies"you,re grounded!now wash your hands-there doughnuts"

how many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
none,she can cook in the dark

what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
a widow

what did the buddhist say when in the burger shop?
can you make me one with everything

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

"Pink Warns Music Industry Is Struggling"

What the fuck? How the fuck is Pink qualified to be a spokeswoman for her industry?

What next?

"Howard from the Halifax warns of delayed economic recovery"

I told my wife this morning that if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work she's in for the beating of her life.

Then I hid the table.