Jokes

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures towards her husband.
But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed:
"Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding the trail all day.
When they stopped to rest Tonto put his ear to the ground and listened.
Buffalo come," said Tonto.
"How can you tell Tonto," asked the Lone Ranger.
"Ear sticky".

What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

“It’s not what it looks like!”

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

The neighbor says, “All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red.”

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes.

The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman’s house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

The woman says “No, they’re still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!”

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

A man goes to a £10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says,

“What do you expect for ten pounds?

Lobster?”

A man boards a plane with six kids.

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks,

“Are all of those kids yours?”

He replies, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled,
"Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!

A married woman was having an affair in an apartment 20 floors high with another man.
She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.
Husband: What is this?
Wife: This is a robot, I bought it to 'Entertain' me when you are travelling…
Husband: Okay…Lets make love now…
Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…
After she left the husband said: I am so horny, I will f*** this robot…he tried....
The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…
“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”
Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…
The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…
“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…”