Jokes

A man is having problems with his manhood, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your thingie is burned out. You can only have sex 30 times more."

The man walks home, deeply depressed.

His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Zoo.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.


He’s never gonna give you Up.

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I would like to masterbate inthe cup.

I said 'well I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.'

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One of them answers, “We found a ten pound note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten pounds to the teacher.

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A desserter