Jokes

How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?

Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.

An old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.

I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?

Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish

So why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said,
"Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom."

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. He
went up to a friend and said, "You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"

The friend replied, "Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

Man says, "To Disney World."

Friend, "OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the closet. if you have a problem....I'll be there."

Man, "Thank you!"

They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an , "Oh...shit!"

His friend in the closet whispered, "Flip her over! Flip her over!"

A man goes to a shrink, "My wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do"...?

"Relax, take a deep breath. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar".....?

A few days ago, I found myself sitting on a bench in a park next to a homeless bloke.
I asked him how he ended up like this.
He said, "Until last week, I still had everything. I had a roof over my head, security, a cook, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, the internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library. I had medical and dental care and was even studying for a degree."
I asked, "So what the hell happened to you, man? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? Bankruptcy?"
"Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. "No, I was released from prison early ... the bastards let me out on parole.”

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher,
"Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"

A man comes home from work and sees his wife on the bed with another man. He takes his gun and says to the other man:

– “If you want my wife come take her from me like a man. I challenge you to a duel”

The other man accepts his challenge, they go to the other room and close the door. The husband tells the other man;

“Actually, nobody has to get hurt. Let’s shoot into the air and pretend like we are both dead. And we will see what my wife will go to who firstly, so she loves him more.”

Then they shoot in the air and lay on the ground. The woman runs into the room and sees both men on the ground and shouts:

– “Honey, you can come out, they both are dead!”

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for £1 million?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for £1 million!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay

Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping?

You're dead, if the rubber breaks