Jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

I have kleptomania.

But when it gets bad, I take something for it

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal

Two guys are talking about what they would do if the world was coming to an
end.

First guy says " I would shag anything that moved, what would you do?"

Second guy said "I would be as still as possible!"

3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies."That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!”
The man says, “Don’t you mean history?”
The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the fucking subject!”

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke,

"Who did vote for in the local elections?"

"Conservative, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,

"Who did vote for in the local elections? " I asked. "

"Conservative, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man,

Who did vote for in the local elections?" I asked.

"Labour, " he said. With that my dog bit him.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.