Jokes

A 1 million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped. The university of Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure. The university of Oxford concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure. The university of Dublin spent the afternoon in the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand from Slipping Off.

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5nch dick and lasted 3 minutes"...

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"...

I met an amazing woman at a party on Saturday.

Wonderful listener, great looking... I gave her my number and winked at her to call me when she gets home.

It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor girl is homeless.

Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin.

I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you.

Darling, I just called to tell you how awesome you are. You really are the love of my life…

Sir – I’m sorry, this is a brewery!

Oh I know…

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"U BETTER HURRY HOME NOW .... MY WIFE DIED A YEAR AGO"

The hardest day of my life was when I was 6 years old, my father went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and never came back.

I had to go a whole fucking day without a smoke.

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods?

A satisfactory.