Jokes

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell!

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette.

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6 000.00 for these implants...I'm not

shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.



'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before

I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the

next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder. Still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed

her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

Three guys go on a ski trip together.
When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he’s had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.”

To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?”

“Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code.

Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?”

Later on, the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!”

The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"