Jokes

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Covid variant has been identified in Wales.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on

him on a downward slope. He became very depressed

because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair,

he decided to commit suicide and end it all.



He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building

to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down

and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along,

whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and

saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.



He started thinking,

"What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

I still have one good arm to do things with."



He thought,

"There goes a man with no arms skipping down

the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."



So he hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up

with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he

was to see him because he had lost one of his arms

and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked

him for saving his life and said he knew he could make

it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.



The man with no arms began dancing and

whooping and kicking up his heels again.



The guy asked,

"Why are you so happy anyway?"



He said,

"I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

My son has been bugging me for weeks to help him build a tree house in the garden, so I have just been out to cut up some wood.
Maybe he'll shut up now the fucking tree has gone!

Just bought a first aid kit.
Thought I'd treat myself

How did the constipated mathematician relieve his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

It was a number 2 pencil.

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased...

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious..

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.