Jokes

A woman came into the restaurant at lunch time today she said, "Can I reserve a table please?"

"Sure," I replied, "What time?"

She said, "I'd like to eat for two."

"I bet you would you fat cunt," I replied, "but what time you thinking?"

Ken Doherty ( famous snooker player ) pulls a delightful groupie after a tournament and ends up in his hotel room after several drinks...

Desperate to get on with shagging her idol, she strips off and gets on all fours presenting her arse in the air...

Our Ken, not a man to rush... drops his trousers and starts staring at the girls arse, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head...

"Are you going to fuck me..?" shouts the girl....

"Yes, but I don't know if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown..!!"

My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.

As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.

As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Dont worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.

"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket "

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt.".

Girlfriend just accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The following conversation took place between a doctor and his patient:

You had sex with my sister!!

She was lying naked in my office. What was I supposed to do?

The autopsy you sick bastard.

A new dangerous variant of Covid has now emerged from Thailand.

It’s been named the Phuket variant.

Went to the gym today and theres a new machine!

Used it for an hour and felt sick..

Its good though, it does everything

Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.