Jokes

I got called in to see my son's teacher today.
"Is everything ok at home?" she asked. "We're a bit concerned about Adrian's language in class."
"You're fucking concerned?" I said "I have to live with the little bastard!"

I was washing my car the other day when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me,,"You can clean mine next time" and he gave me an annoying laugh
.
.
I mean....

isn't it enough that i have to sleep with his wife for him!!.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

"Where are you going?", he asks.

She answers, "I'm moving to Chicago. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."



Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom andsees her husband packing his suitcase.

"And where are YOU going?". she asks.

He replies, "I decided to come along... I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive

about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when

she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.



"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. Just pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"
"Because your Mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem Alan."

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came

back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.?

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.?

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled

it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first

and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

My brother had a blow up doll, it had a puncture so he took it back to the shop, the shop owner said what's wrong with it? My brother said it keeps going down!
Shop owner said if I had known that I would have charged you more.

An ‘under performing’ bus driver goes to see his doctor.

He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.

The doctor prescribes it for him & he heads off to the pharmacist.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.

They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come at once!

An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence.

For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds.

Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.

Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago!

To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!