Jokes

Two artists had an art contest.

It ended in a draw!

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I never make mistakes. …

I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I was kidnapped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things to me.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came upon the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated, ''What are these guys in the big suits doing?''

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognising a promotional opportunity the NASA guys found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message they asked the son to translate it but he refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation and played the old man's message to the rest of the tribe. As soon as they heard it they all burst out laughing but they too refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Back in Houston, NASA found an official government translator and played him the tape. He too burst out laughing but knew he was going to have to provide a translation. It was: ''Watch out for these guys, they've come to steal your land.''

Tommy was sitting in math class when suddenly his teacher asked him“Tommy, How much is 2 + 2?” Tommy caught off guard, begins counting his fingers under the table mumbling to himself: “1…2…3…4,” before happily exclaiming “The answer is four!”



“That’s correct,” answered his teacher, “but I saw you counting your fingers instead of doing the math in your head. So I want you to put your hands behind your back and tell me what do you get if you add 3 + 3?”

Tommy put his hands behind his back, but his teacher saw that he was still moving uncomfortably as if he were trying to count fingers. After a few moments, he said uncertainly, "is the answer six?"

"You are correct," she replied, "but I see you're still counting fingers despite me asking you not to! Put your hands in your pant pockets and tell me what you get if you add 5 + 5." Tommy put his hands in his pants and his teacher saw him looking at his pants and moving his lips without uttering a word until finally the teacher became impatient and said: "I see what you're doing there and I can tell you right now that the answer is not eleven!"

Wife came home from work to find her husband watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football. You think about nothing else," she said. "I'm also seeing someone else. He's younger than you, handsome, understanding, tender, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask, has a 9 inch cock and fucks me hard and dirty till I can't take anymore." "Really?" The husband replies. "What football team does he support?"

I woke up this morning in a hospital, covered in bandages.

Tubes entering different parts of my body,

Wires monitoring every function,

A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident.

I heard her say, ‘You may-not feel anything from the waist down.’

I managed to mumble in reply, ‘Can I feel your tits, then?