Jokes

A man goes to his doctor to complain about what he believes is a social disease he's contracted.

"Doc, you've got to help me. My dick has turned completely orange!"

The Doc runs all the usual diagnostic tests, but they all come back showing he has a clean bill of health.

Baffled his Doctor asks him what he does for a living?

"I just sit at home naked, in my bean bag, eating Cheetos, & watching Porn Hub."

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be expected, he also asked her where she was seeing this unusual hair growth.

"My balls, doctor, my balls."

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking goat trying to whistle!"

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record..

I told him “No, but I have a couple of albums by Sting."

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl..

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

I went to the bookstore and found a book entitled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

..so I bought two

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..

She said she just can't take it any longer.