Jokes

a lady heard a report on the news that there was a motorist driving the wrong way on the highway. Knowing her husband would be driving that route, she called him on his cell to warn him. She said "Please be careful, dear. They said there's a driver going the wrong way near where you are." He said "One, hell! They're all going the wrong way!"

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like. "He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're out of bread, be back in five minutes."

A couple sitting in a restaurant and the waitress notices the man start to slide down the chair under the table, as she continue to watch the man goes completely under the table and out of site!
Concerned she approaches the woman and asks madam is your husband alright?
"Yes says the woman his fine!"
Looking confused the waitress says but he just slide under the table?
"No he didn't" replies the woman "He just walked in the door"

A bloke calls his wife from A&E. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works.
"Oh my God!" cries the wife, "The whole finger?"
"No," replies the bloke, "The one next to it."

Maggie checked her husband Jeemags phone and found these names:
- Super Woman
- My Love
- Woman of my dreams
- Princess
- Sweetheart
- Honey bunny
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number his elder sister answered. When she dialed the third number her own phone rang. she called the next one it was their daughter.
she called the next one it it was her own mother and then she called the last one it was his little sister number.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole months salary to make up for it.
Jeemag took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as "Mechanic”

A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

I sat in my haircutters chair and said: "Make me look sexy".
She started drinking...

A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"