Jokes

What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?

They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the good bits.

Friday night and a teenage chavette wants to go out clubbing with her mates for the evening, so she goes downstairs to the living room and asks her Father if she can go out.

He's of an incestuous persuasion so says "Yeah, you can go out....but I wan't a blowjob first".

The Daughters incredulous and replies "no way"

So, she stomps back upstairs to her room and is sitting there bored and after a while starts thinking 'maybe it wouldn't be so bad' so back downstairs she goes to her Father and agrees to his terms...

He's sitting there with his trousers round his ankles and she starts performing, when she looks up aghast and says "this tastes like shit"

To which her Father replies, "Well, your brother wanted to go out as well"

How do you make a hormone?


Don't pay her.

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

There was a young man went to the doctor and said he wanted to get married but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his wick in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf. Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor said, "How's your marriage?" "Oh, I didn't get married doctor, I bought the calf instead."

I really felt like singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

I managed to hold it in and resisted, but I feel it's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away..

I was at a really posh dinner party the other night when I farted loudly.
One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly...
“How dare you fart in front of my wife!”
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was her turn next.”

Man goes for a job interview

After 20 minutes the interviewer says to him - you're doing very well but tell me how well do you perform under pressure

He replies - I'm pretty good but I'm better at Bohemian Rhapsody