Jokes

The madame of a whore house is doing a bang-up business ... ho! So she decides to divide her reception area in half, so she'll have another bedroom.
A carpenter puts up a wall, and then tells her, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, lady."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and lies on the floor.
She says, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, he puts his middle finger in her asshole, his thumb in her snatch, and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition."

Here we are in nineteen sixty-one. There's a teen-age girl who's got to have every record that comes out. Every single record that comes out, she's gotta have a copy.
One day, she's on the beach, and she hears on her radio (singing) "Two lips, seven kisses ...two lips, seven kisses ..."
Well, she's got to have this record. She goes to the nearest phone and dials the record store as fast as she can. She dials so fast that she accidentally dials Ralph's Auto Body.
A guy answers and says, "Hello?"
She says, "Have you got Two Lips And Seven Kisses?"
The guy says, "No. I've got two balls and six inches."
She says, "Oh ... is that a new record?"
He says, "Nah. It's about average."

A gang-member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Jack was nimble, but Jack was quick. So Jill preferred the candlestick!

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.

A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.

A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'.

The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?'

The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and i'm making tea'.

The Catholic Church has finally agreed on the new format for voting in the new head of their church.

Next Sat night, Simon Cowell will hosp Pope Idol

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?

The girl who can eat the last onion ring