Jokes

A guy's wife came home to find him bolting a pole from floor to ceiling in their bedroom.

"Don't think for a minute you'll be getting me to dance round that thing for you" she moaned.

"It's not for that," I replied "It's to help you get out of bed you fat fucker!"

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.
In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

Arsenal

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly.

One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!”

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off…

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I’m afraid to pee.

Why are blondes removing their breast implants?

Because doctors said we need to flatten the curve.

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous red-haired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"