Jokes

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.

Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

How Was Your Christmas Meal?

We had grandma for Christmas dinner.

Really? We had turkey.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

I met a sexy woman by the lake the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, "These Tasers are well worth the money."

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch. It turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend.