Jokes

A girl goes into a bar.

She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.

The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again.

The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."

He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."

She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

An old married couple were driving down the road one day when suddenly the woman punched her husband right in the face. He shouted, "what the hell was that for?". She replied, "That was for 50 years of the worst sex I ever had!" As they continued down the road, suddenly the man hit his wife square in the face. She turned to him and said, "what was that for?" He said, "that, was for knowing the difference.

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for
thousands of years.

Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the
caveman is confident he can teach them some words.

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you.

I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks.

‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’

‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’

‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says:

"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

Paddy and Seamus went to London to become sperm donors.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Seamus came on the bus!