Jokes

A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.

“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old walnut tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me....'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Shakespeare Translated

"Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful."
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

"Have patience, and endure."
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

"I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss."
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

"Men at some time are masters of their fate."
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

"Tis better to be brief than tedious."
Translation: Nooners rock.

"My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires."
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?


Envelope.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples,

"Only take one. God is watching."

Further down the line is a pile of cookies.

A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"

The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."