Jokes

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him."I've been stung by a wasp" She says." Where did it get you?" He replies"Between the 1st and 2nd hole""I think your stance must be a little too wide"

I tapped into a source of superhuman strength that I never thought possible
when my wife became trapped inside the burning wreck of our car.


I managed to fight off the three firemen who tried to free her.

Success is.

At 4 success is not peeing your pants
At 8 success is having friends
At 18 success is having a driving licence
At 20 success is having sex
At 35 success is having money
At 50 success is having money
At 65 success is having sex
At 75 success is having a driving licence
At 80 success is having friends
At 85 success is not peeing your pants

Who was it who first saw a cow and thought.

I'll pull on those dangling bits and drink whatever comes out.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”

The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”

The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming in only now?!”

“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”