Jokes

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: �If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If
you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically non-romantic, texted this reply:

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly.

One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!”

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”

Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

How is a thunderstorm similar to sex?

You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last

Is Google male or female?


Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a wedding cake.

A guy says to his buddy, "My girlfriend is so selfish and rude, every time I give an orgasm, she just spits it out."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ...
They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ...
I must be a God!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"