Jokes

A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

I rear ended a midget with my car today.

He got out and said "I am not happy"

Then I said, well than which dwarf are you?

An undertaker at a funeral was talking to a very old man from the next village.

"Tell me," he said, "how old are you now?"

"I shall be eighty-nine on my next birthday", was the reply.

"Really?", said the undertaker, "it's hardly worth your going home, is it?"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked,
“What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset,
but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that.
Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

My doctor said he'd like to apologize for prescribing me Viagra that didn't work.
He said, "No hard feelings?"
I said, "We've established that. Where's the apology?"

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains.

"Oh...well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour.

A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse.

"AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting.

"Same condition, better health plan."

My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records up until...


I got kicked out of the library for being inappropriate...

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels."