Jokes

The 5 stages of married sex…

1. Smurf sex – when you first meet and shag ’til your blue in the face.

2. Kitchen sex – when you have been together a short while and you will do it anywhere in the house.

3. Bedroom sex – sex is routine, and you will only shag in bed on the occasional night.

4. Hallway sex – you pass each other in the hallway, and both say f**k you.

5. Court room sex – she takes you to court, and screws you in front of 20 strangers.

The woman asked the pharmacist, “Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She said, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“I can, if I take two,” he replied.

Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money.

I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

Can’t believe I’ve just been banned from using Match.com.

Apparently “My dick”, is an inappropriate answer to the question ‘What do you want most in a woman?”.

The following conversation took place between a couple at the cinema.

Girlfriend: I think the guy next to me is jerking off.

Boyfriend: Just ignore him.

Girlfriend: I can’t.

Boyfriend: Why?

Girlfriend: He’s using my hand.

My lesbian next door neighbours just gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I really like it but I think they misunderstood me when I said “I wanna watch”.

I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she’ll realise the two of us are not going to work out.

I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said – nothing, just bring a happy face.

I had to cancel.

My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times.

It won’t stand up in court.

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t inappropriate, but I saw right through it.