Jokes

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

“A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?"

The other guy says, "I don't know...what was her maiden name?”

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool. "Joe," Bill says, "I'm glad to see your wife finally let you out of the house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe says. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was boss."

"How did you do that?" asks Bill.

"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this relationship'."

"What happened?" "Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."

"How did you do that?"

"I was hiding under the bed at the time''

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with a sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean”

The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”

The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse could not bear a patient to be concerned so much.

So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly ''Thanks but I still need to know Are my tests results back?’”

My girlfriend caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?


Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

At a government affair, the wives and partners of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.

The fiance of Boris Johnson says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Vladimir Putin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Emannuel Macron says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

With great resignation, the wife of Donald Trump says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.

One from her surgeon, to say “all went well”.

One from her husband, “get well soon”, and he loved her.

One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say “Thank you for the new ears”!