Jokes

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

Great news, the missus has agreed to let me have a threesome.

I now have to find a way to break it to her that she isn't one of the three.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."


Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "£1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "£5".

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 19 inches long!”

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face.

She told her mum, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today."

Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut..."

With a secret smile mum asked, "Was it really small?"

Sally replied, "No... really salty!"

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.