Jokes

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex.

The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."

The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed.

His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too.

I didn't want to be left behind!"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

During lunch at work, Anne ate 3 plates of beans (which she knew she shouldn't). When Anne got home, her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded Anne and led her to her chair at the dinner table. Anne took a seat and just as he was about to remove her blindfold, the telephone rang. He made Anne promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans Anne had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room Anne seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! Anne took her napkin from her lap and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, She ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, Anne went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, so Anne quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with herself. Anne's face must have been the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked Anne if she had peaked through the blindfold, and she assured him she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side.