Jokes

Donald Trump has turned 73.

Which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.

Needless to say, I’m ex-static.

I’ve just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

So I said to my mate 'My wife is an angel' he replied 'You're lucky, mines still alive'

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,"

His wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"

His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now.

The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this."

The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"