Jokes

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A hundred dollars.”

He says, “All I got is thirty”.

She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.

He agrees.

She gets in the car.

He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent £5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.

The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.

He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

While talking to girl:

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"

"No, what?"

"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.

Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"

Rich man, "I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring."

Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"

Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car...

The poor, "Man nods in agreement."

Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"

Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo."

Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"

Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

An Irishman goes for a job at a building site.
The foreman asks him, ''Can you brew tea?''
''Yes '' replies Paddy
''Can you drive a fork lift?''
''How big's yer teapot?''

...and if you wrote a comedy sketch with that story everybody would say it was too far fetched.'

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/...id=BHEA000

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”