Jokes

You know if you die from the coronavirus, even your death will be "Made In China".

Why are people hoarding toilet paper?

Because when one person coughs or sneezes, everyone else shits themselves.

Why are blondes removing their breast implants?

Because the government advisors said we need to flatten the curve.

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . .

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Women are like orange juice cartons.

It's not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is, It's getting thoses damn flaps open

The Smiths were unable to Conceive Children and decided to use a Surrogate Father to start their Family.
On the day the Proxy Father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his Wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The Man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a Door-to-Door Baby Photographer happened to ring the Doorbell, hoping to make a Sale.
"Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…"
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I’ve been expecting you".
‘Have You Really"..??? said the Photographer.
"Well, that’s good. Did you know Babies are my Specialty"..??
‘Well that’s what my Husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a Seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start"..???
"Leave everything to me.. I usually try Two in the Bathtub, One on the Couch, and perhaps a Couple on the Bed. And sometimes the Living Room Floor is fun. Cos, you can really spread out there".
‘Bathtub, Living Room Floor..?? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and Me".
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can Guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different Positions and I shoot from Six or Seven Angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the Results.’
‘My, that’s a Lot", gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my Line of Work. A Man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in Five Minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The Photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a Portfolio of his Baby Pictures.
‘This was done on the Top of a Bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her Throat.
‘And these Twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their Mother was so difficult to work with".
‘She Was Difficult"..??? asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around Four and Five Deep to get a good look".
‘Four and Five Deep"..??? said Mrs. Smith, her Eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied.
"And for more than three hours, too. The Mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the Squirrels began Nibbling on my Equipment, I just had to pack it all in".
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…Equipment"..???
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my Tripod and we can get to work right away..’
"Tripod"..???
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a Tripod to rest my 'Canon' on. It’s much Too Big, to be held in the Hand for very long.’
*
Mrs. Smith fainted.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around the town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust,
the specialist in submersibles has gone under,
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation,
a dog kennel supplier has had to call in the retrievers,
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded,
the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders,
the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road,
the bread company has run out of dough,
the clock manufacturer has had to wind down,
the Chinese has been taken away,
the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot
and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

How are you able to tell when a man is sexually aroused?

He is breathing.